


Pause, Compose

by keykiyoshi7443



Series: It's An Idol's Life For Me [3]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Drabble, Fun times for all, idk what this is, so confession: I found this in my drive and just sort of threw together some crap, suicidal yesung, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 01:26:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8183645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keykiyoshi7443/pseuds/keykiyoshi7443
Summary: Sometimes, Yesung has bad days





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is trash  
> I am trash  
> What am I doing with my life

Pause.

 

Yesung laughed along with the other members as he watched a video compilation of his “special dancing skills”. They were recording for some show, he couldn’t remember which one it was. It didn’t really matter anymore, they’re all the same to him now.

It’s the same thing over and over. Keep quiet, don’t make a bigger fool out of yourself. Speak when spoken to and keep up your goofy image. Don’t look sad, don’t let them think anything is wrong. You can’t let them know that it bothers you.

He can’t even remember the last time that he actually smiled. He was just so tired. Whenever he was brought up for any reason, it was usually because of something stupid he’d done. He didn’t mean for it to be stupid, he just had a natural talent for that type of thing. He didn’t intentionally try and make himself look stupid. Who’d do that on purpose?

He was just awkward, and he hated when people pointed it out. He hated how he couldn’t be as perfect and effortless as all of the other members. They just flourished under all the attention, and they never made a mistake that they couldn’t twist to their advantage.

They easily laughed things off and diverted attention away from things they didn’t want to talk about. They were very skilled at hiding all of their shortcomings, unlike Yesung. Yesung was just awkward, he didn’t know what to do when the attention was focused on him.

He became flustered and tended to pull a really awkward cringe worthy moment. He just had no idea how to handle himself. He had asked for advice, but when he tried to apply said advice, he would just freeze. He wasn’t able to think and all he could do was the first thing on his mind.

Which incidentally happened to be making a big fool out of himself. He hated how awkward he looked. He hated how dorky and ashamed it made him feel. So far none of the other members knew that it bothered him, and he planned to keep it that way.

They couldn’t find out that their simple jokes actually hurt him, it would make them feel bad. Then he’d feel guilty for making them sad. If the fans found out he was the reason one of their precious ‘oppas’ was sad then there would be hell to pay.

So instead he laughed it off and simply agreed with the other members comments. Occasionally he gave an even funnier backstory and he even got the hosts to laugh at his stupidity. He laughed too, it was better than crying about it.

But sometimes he let things get to him. Sometimes everything became too much. Sometimes he just wanted everything to stop and to just not have to deal with anything anymore. 

After he came to the realization that things might just be better if it would all _just end._ It became harder to smile. It became easier to see how things could be better. How it would be just _so easy_ to end things.

Would anyone really miss him?

But then he'd come across something that a fan wrote. Something about how they wished that he got more lines. That he could have a solo concert across seas. It would just be one comment. That's all it would take, and then he couldn't do it.

He couldn't make everything stop because there was at least one person who appreciated him.

(He knew he was exaggerating. He was almost sure that his family cared about. They were proud of all that he had accomplished right?)

So he carried on. He continued to go through the motions. Some days were better than others, but whenever he got to a really bad place - one where he might actually be able to _stop_ \- he will see something that reminds him why he shouldn't.

 _And he hates it_ because he just wants everything to stop.

Sometimes he has really bad days when all he wanted to do was sleep. Then he'd remember that they had some variety show to go to and he’d have to get up and actually function. Sometimes he'd give himself a minute in the bathroom right before. He'd just pause, and drop all of his carefully crafted facades and just let the despair wash over him.

Then a moment to compose as he plastered on a bright happy grin and he'd try to convince himself that he was happy and living the dream.

So he’ll keep on smiling and he'll keep on telling stupid stories. He’ll keep dancing like an idiot and performing for the crowds, singing his heart out. He’ll be funny and he’ll be dorky. He’ll be everything that is expected of him.

But those dark thought will be just around the corner.

Those pills, that razor, that length of rope, will be just a few feet away. Hidden deep inside his sock drawer. Just waiting. Waiting for the day when he won't have any reminders. When he no longer needs to grin and bear it and _be happy_.

But for now, he’ll smile and he’ll laugh. Because that's what happy people do.

 

Compose.

Smile for the camera.

_You're h a p p y_

**Author's Note:**

> Just to let people know I AM accepting prompts for short angsty kpop fics. Please comment below if you like my writing style and have something in mind.


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